Friendship vs contact evanglism

Friendship Evangelism (FE) is the idea that before you can share the gospel with someone you need to establish a ‘meaningful friendship’ with them.1

It’s worth taking a careful look at this definition. It’s not the same as Friendly Evangelism, nor is it about evangelising your friends, or becoming friends with people as you evangelise them. No - it’s a negative statement that claims you can’t or shouldn’t evangelise people who aren’t your friends. Proponents of FE will say things like,

           “You must ‘earn the right’ to share the gospel with people.”

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​            “Friendship evangelism is learning to build trustful relationships with unchurched people in the                 context of secular life, then listening and watching with patience and caring for situations in                     which they show openness for God.”2​

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             “Everything begins with coffee—including evangelism... And if we are good at listening and                     earn enough trust while talking about interests, eventually we’ll be ready to move the                             conversation to the next layer.”3

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At first, these statements sound intuitive, natural, and altogether good. But in the end, we must reject FE for the following reasons: FE is unbiblical, inconsistent with the nature of the gospel itself, undermines the doctrine of election, is insincere, and impractical.

Unbiblical

In the bible, we don’t see Jesus or his apostles doing it. They do not get to know people over six months, connect over hobbies and shared values, or “earn the right to speak into their lives,” and only then begin to share the gospel. No, wherever they went, Jesus and his apostles brought up the gospel quickly and spoke with boldness. In fact, there is not a single instance in the bible where we read of anyone holding off on evangelism until they have established a friendship, and there are no examples of prayers for specific people to be saved; instead, the apostles pray for boldness to share the gospel with everyone (Acts 4:29).

Undermines the gospel

Second, the idea that you need to “earn the right to speak” denies the gospel itself, which is about the universal Lordship of Jesus. In fact, in the gospel, Jesus announces to the world that He is the rightful Lord of all (Acts 10:36). Whether we or they feel he has the right to say such a thing is irrelevant – God has set His King on his throne and he commands all people everywhere to repent (Acts 17:30-31).

Undermines Election

Third, FE undermines the doctrine of election because it makes friendship necessary when it is, in fact, God who chooses who to save. 2 Corinthians 4-5 explains how and why evangelism is effective (or not), and it has nothing to do with the level of friendship established by the evangelist. It comes down to the fact that “the god of this world (aka the Devil) has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ” but that in the case of his elect, God does a work of new creation in their hearts akin to when he said “Let light shine out of darkness” in the beginning!

Insincere

Fourth, FE is insincere. Theologian Broughton Knox writes, “Friendship is an end in itself; in fact it is very distasteful when people, under cover of friendship, have some other ulterior objective which they are driving at. We instinctively recognize the obnoxiousness of this use of fellowship.”4 This is no less the case when the goal we are driving at is evangelism.

If Jesus is the most important person in the world to you, then how can someone really know you unless they know what dominates your life? When you finally tell them that the gospel is the most wonderful news, and you want everyone to hear it, and it’s super urgent because Jesus could be coming back any minute to judge us all… They may well say, “If you really believed that… you would have told me ages ago! And if you were really my friend, you wouldn’t have been playing fast and loose with my salvation!” The method undermines the message at that point. Don’t get me wrong, if you’ve never shared the gospel with a long-term friend, please do so; it’s just that you’ll probably need to apologise first.

Impractical 

And finally, FE is impractical. First, because most people can only maintain 3, maybe 4 close friendships (depending on stage of life), and second, because it becomes harder to share the gospel with people the closer you get to them. If your friend isn’t interested, at some point, you can’t keep shoving the gospel down their throat, and this is true of family members and most long-term relationships. If friendship evangelism is your only option, evangelism dries up and becomes very awkward fairly quickly.

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Contact Evangelism

What should we be doing then? The bible encourages us to do what I call 'Contact Evangelism' – that is, make contacts, and share the gospel. The scriptures encourage us to pray for boldness and clarity. Boldness means to be open and honest about our faith. Clarity means to speak the truth plainly.

Our job is to be friendly and warm and loving and kind and gentle and gracious with everyone you meet, ask questions about church and faith, and speak about Jesus and the gospel. George Whitefield (1714-1770), by far the most effective evangelist of the English-speaking world, made it a rule never to have a conversation for more than 15 minutes without bringing up the gospel. The gospel is the kind of thing you can bring up at any time, with anyone. After being introduced, you could ask, “What do you know about Jesus?" "Have you heard about Jesus’ resurrection?” “Oh! You really should come to my church sometime!” This may strike you as super weird, but confidence increases with practice, and it can become a habit.

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Let's Get Practical

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1. Pray for opportunities to meet new people and for boldness to be open and take opportunities to share the gospel. Please also pray for me that I would not grow weary and that I would be worthy of imitation in this regard.

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2. Find a place to meet lots of people – a revolving door kind of situation. Your workplace might work like this, but alternatively, you could join a sports team or hang out at a local park with friends.

3. Try to strike up friendly conversations where you openly and enthusiastically talk about Jesus and how much he means to you. Ask if they know about Jesus and see where it goes from there.

4. Be resource ready. Always carry a two ways to live, an invite to something, or a few copies of the Essential Jesus in your bag/pocket/pram (they may give you a funny look, but all you need to say is that your faith really matters to you, and it's fine. Authenticity is attractive.

5. Steel yourself for rejection. My sister likes to ask people to read the bible with her. She reckons that 1 out of every 6 or 7 women will say yes to her invitation. So she needs to brace herself for the 5 or 6 rejections and hold out hope for that one.

6. Practice makes progress. Even if someone does reject you, or a conversation doesn’t go great, each new person is a fresh start, and you'll constantly be learning and improving. Why not build the muscle by doing something once a day that scares you?

7. We need eachother. It's very hard to maintain evangelistic zeal on your own, so it's important to bring others along for the ride. When you're the only one, it's awkward. When everyone joins in, it's fun. Teamwork makes the dream work. If you don't know the answer to a curly question, you can rely on others.

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Summary

To summarise then, the problem with FE is that in the end it destroys both Friendship and Evangelism. Because it gets Friendship and Evangelism the wrong way around. Friendship isn’t a means to evangelism; evangelism is the means by which we make friends.

We should embrace Contact Evangelism (or if that strikes you as distant, ‘Friendly Evangelism’) as a church family. Meet people, care about people enough to ask Spiritual questions, and get the gospel out there. This approach accords with the biblical pattern, the nature of the gospel itself, and the doctrine of election, as well as being honest and effective. 

References

1 https://www.gotquestions.org/friendship-evangelism.html

2 Sahlin, Monte. Ministry: International Journal for Pastors. September 1993.

3 Chan, Sam. How to Talk about Jesus (Without Being That Guy) (p. 37). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

4 Knox, D. Broughton. Selected Works Volume II, Church and Ministry. Ed. Kirsten Birkett. 247.

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Appendix - How are you feeling?

Can I acknowledge something? This article wasn't an easy read. When a sacred cow is put to the sword, it's painful. I guess I just wanted to acknowledge that before moving on and help you to rest in the gospel again, in case your blood pressures at an all time high.

Take the time to notice what's happening for you and name your feelings. Here are a bunch of potential feelings: I feel afraid. I feel annoyed. I feel judged. I feel like I'm being painted into a corner. Why did Andy write this?! More to the point, why did I read it?! I obviously hope you feel stimulated, helped and encouraged, but if not, take a breath and remember that you are loved and commit yourself to figuring out whether the argument is a good one. Don't dismiss it out of hand; figure out if it's true.

You may've been unconvinced: "Surely this is just a matter of personality", "Surely, there are lots of ways to evangelise", "This might work for someone like [insert name here], but I'm not wired that way" Perhaps youfound refuge in some common objections: "Matthew 28 is addressed to the apostles only" and "What about 1 Corinthians 12". Re-read the article and commit to reading the other articles too. Figure out whether these objections hold water. It's important.

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Finally, pursue Joy. Yes, Joy. You may not feel like it, but I wrote this article for your joy. I want you to have genuine friendships. I don't want you to self-censor. I want you to speak with courage and conviction, to be honest, open, and authentic. I don't want to twist your arm, hem you in or lay burdens upon you. I'm asking you to join a missionary movement, to live with purpose, to love your neighbours, and I'm saying that this life (when we are all involved) is both plausible and enjoyable. Remember what Jesus said: "The truth will set you free"